Farewell Pancakes

It's a time of great transition for our family. Lots of opportunities for new, fresh starts. And I've decided, along with James, that it's time for a fresh start to my blog writing.

It's time to say goodbye to this, my very first blog, Pancakes in Bed.

Feels hard to let go! This blog enabled me to write and share about many things very dear to my heart over the past three years. This blog has helped me hold safe our family's memories and stories. And those posts which are so special to me aren't going to disappear entirely, but I am going to take our stories and my writing to a new website starting now.

My goals are to be more cohesive in my content: focusing on our adventures in parenting and toddler activities, and to be a little bit more private with personal details of our life. My intention for my new blog is to continue writing for my own enjoyment - and sanity! - and to continue sharing our family's story. I think when families open up and tell their stories to one another it reveals how much we have in common, how much we can learn from each other, and that we are not alone. I want to reach out and be part of that connection.

As for more personal details and pages and pages of adorable pictures of Calvin and Henry... well, we'll find a way to share those things with just the people who should really get to see them :)


Thank you for being here and reading Pancakes in Bed. It means the world to me.

I am excited to share with you my brand new, still under construction blog: Surprisingly Special. I hope you'll come over and follow our stories there!

surprisinglyspecial.com


Peace,
Diana

Friday Favorite: Ergo Carrier

Yesterday at Calvin's preschool one of the other moms asked me about my baby carrier. I always have Henry strapped to me in the Ergo when I'm dropping off and picking up Calvin.

I told her I love our Ergobaby carrier. We've been using an Ergo carrier sine the Bean was a tiny baby.

That one was a Performance Ergo, which was great for hiking because it's a water resistant material that didn't absorb much sweat. That particular Ergo met an untimely demise during Henry's babyhood when I shut the car door with the strap hanging out... the strap got caught under the wheel and ripped off. Oops. 

So then we got a new one and I decided to go for the organic one because I knew from my friends' organic Ergo that the material is really soft and comfy. I love it. I still use it just about every day. 

I actually wrote a post about babywearing a while back and in that post I wrote all about why I love our Ergo so much. It's easy to put on/take off. It's comfy with Henry's weight and doesn't hurt my back (though, admittedly Henry isn't that heavy for a 2-yr-old at 23 lbs). It's easy to clean - I just throw it in the washer and dryer. I will say that the color has faded some from the sun and the washing/drying, but that is probably related to the dye in the organic fabric. Our old Ergo didn't fade at all (the "performance" one). 

But, like I told this other mom, there are so many other great baby carriers on the market now! I don't even know anything about the newer ones. The Becco? The Boba carrier? We have the Boba wrap, but they have a carrier now too! The new Ergo360? I often see other parents with sweet-looking baby carriers that I've never seen before. 

So babywearing parents our there, fill me in! 

What cool carrier are you and your little one using?? What do you love about it? 

(P.S. I have no affiliation with Ergobaby other than being a satisfied customer! I'm not getting anything from them for writing about their product.)

First Week of Preschool

Last week was Calvin's first week of preschool, and we also made a change to Henry's therapy schedule so that now he has therapy sessions Monday - Thursday. I had kinda imagined that with Calvin in preschool, it would feel like I had more time/freedom to go out and do things with Henry or run errands/get stuff done. But I am realizing that between Calvin's drop-off and pick-up times and Henry's therapy schedule, life actually feels much busier than before! 

I've been thinking about how the rhythm of the school day and school year will be the rhythm of our lives for the next couple of decades-ish. Feels like we're at the start of a big, important journey though the school years of parenting. Seems kind of daunting when I think about it that way! But there I go getting ahead of myself... Slow down, it's only the first week of preschool! 

Calvin seems to like school. Though, we did have our first drop-off cry-fest this week, followed by our first sick day (not a coincidence). Keeping him home sick felt weird because he didn't want to go in anyway that morning, so I kind of felt like I was giving in to his whining. But with the green slime snot coming out of his little nosie there was no way I was going to send him in to spread those germs all over his classroom. Ew. No. Plus I know the whining was also a symptom of the cold. Even grown-ups get cranky when they don't feel well (ahem, James). 

But apart from this cold episode (the first of many, no doubt!) he does seem to like school. When I drop him off the kids do free play first thing in the morning, and he usually goes straight to the reading corner and picks out a book. I've also seen him playing with some of his classmates, which is so nice to see. When I pick him up he's sitting on the rug listening to the read-aloud and looking half-asleep and sweaty! It's a long day for a little guy! It's just about the length of a regular school day, but they do get an hour or so naptime. When he sees me he immediately signs "eat" which is no surprise because when I look into his lunchbox at the end of the day I see that he's barely eaten anything. His teachers say he chugs his milk, though :) 

I taught his teachers a few ASL signs that he uses to help them understand him. They were really receptive and seemed to appreciate it. He hasn't started seeing his new school speech therapist yet, but I have spoken with her and it sounds like she's working with the teachers on setting up a time so maybe he'll be able to start next week. He should be getting an hour of therapy each week, and his new therapist is going to touch base with his doctor at Stanford about recommendations for his therapy. 

It's only been a week, so I know we're all still in the adjustment phase. I think Calvin will get used to the long school day and I hope he'll start eating more at lunch! And even though it's kind of surprising how busy our new schedule feels, I actually like being busy. Plus, another big part of our day is Henry's afternoon nap so I can generally count on a sweet hour and a half long break which I will totally use for responsible and productive purposes and not to lie on the couch eating bonbons... 

Calvin's runny nose is much better today, so it's back to school for him and a good thing, too, because I am signed up to volunteer in his calssroom for a couple of hours today! With Henry in tow... we'll see how that goes... wish me luck!

What I Love About My Kids' Therapists

When Henry was about to start speech therapy in the spring, I was really unsure about the whole thing. To me he seemed so far from being able to communicate that I felt like we were in for a whole lotta frustration. On the other hand, I knew that speech therapy was supposed to help him learn to communicate and he certainly needed help, so off we went. 

His first day of group speech therapy was pretty disastrous. He couldn't sit still, he kept fussing, wanting his bottle, wanting to get on the floor... I was thinking,  He cannot do this. He is not ready. This is for, like, big kids. He has the mentality of a baby. He can't even sit in the chairs. He can't sit and listen. He can't do these activities. He can't do any of this! This is a huge mistake. 

The therapists assured me that every kid's first day looks like a hot mess. I suspected that they were just trying to make me feel better. 

But over the next few sessions, the more I talked with our group therapist, Monica, the more I started to come around out of my haze of he can't do this. For starters, we got him a chair with a buckle so he didn't have to sit in my lap. Monica started outlining some goals for Henry. She would tell me things like, "He's making good eye contact. We can work on getting him to direct his gaze to follow someone or something." And, "He's doing a lot of babbling, we can work on encouraging him to imitate sounds." When we would do activities with the other kids, she would say "Henry's goal is just to ______," basically simplifying the activity to something reasonable for him to do. 

When I started speech therapy with Henry, I was so hung up on all the things he couldn't do and how incredibly long I imagined his journey to being able to communicate would be. I kept thinking some kids like Henry never talk, and that made me afraid. And the fear clouded my ability to see what Monica could see.

This is what I love about working with our therapists. Not just Monica, but all of them. When they look at Calvin and Henry, they see what they can do right now and what they can learn to do next. 

Their view is not clouded by fear or anything else. They care about Calvin and Henry, they want to see them grow and succeed, but they don't have all the emotional baggage that I carry for my kids. 

They are not trying to look decades into the future. They are looking at the next step. What can we work on right now? 

And it's so important for me to be reminded on a regular basis of what they can do right now and what they can learn to do next. I need to hear those things to help me shake off the fear. To bring my focus back to the present. 

As I think about Calvin getting ready to start preschool and start work with a new speech therapist I hope sincerely that these new professionals in our life will be able to do the same. I hope they will see all that he is capable of, and his potential to learn. 

I am very grateful to all the therapists working with my kids now and those we have worked with in the past. Thank you for helping Calvin and Henry and thank you for helping me. 

Hot Yoga... More Like Snot Yoga

I spent the summer (sorta) training for the Giant Race 10k. Now that the race is over, I'm trying to get back into my yoga practice and I'm trying to balance it with keeping up my running. 

In the spring, I was doing Bikram yoga and this month I switched to a heated vinyasa studio. I like hot yoga because I feel like it helps me really get a good stretch through my muscles and it feels relaxing. And challenging. Don't get me wrong, heated vinyasa is no joke. 

One small hitch in my fitness game is that the entire family came down with a cold. It started with the boys and their runny noses. Then James got the worst of it and had to take a sick day. I also had a terrible runny nose, but I was in denial about it so while James was home on his sick day I decided to take advantage of that and go to an afternoon yoga class. Because moms don't get sick, right? Right, guys??

Anyway, I didn't bring my mat towel, and I don't bring a face towel because I'm used to Bikram where they teach you not to wipe away your sweat. So basically I had nothing to save me when my nose started running halfway through class. Fun fact: hot yoga will open up not only your pores, but also your sinuses! And I knew this, but I was in such denial about having a cold that I forgot to grab something to wipe my nose with during class. (I can't be sick. Moms don't get sick. I feel fine. *Sniff*)

So not only am I sweating and stretching, I'm also sniffling and trying to keep breathing through my nose without snot-rocketing onto my mat which is already getting slippery with sweat - should've brought that darn mat towel! By the end of class I'm a hot yoga mess. Snot is mixing with the sweat on my face, and I'm trying to discreetly transfer some of the slime to my bare arm because my stretchy yoga top is too tight to reach my face. So gross, y'all. I probably should have just sucked it up and left my mat in the middle of class to blow my nose. But I kept thinking, it'll be fine! I'm sure it'll stop any second now... 'Cause I'm not even sick! 

So stubborn. 

And the moral of this cautionary tale is... always bring your mat towel to hot yoga! #facepalm

Or, if you have a cold, go ahead and admit that you're sick and stay home with a cup of tea instead! While your toddlers wipe their snotty noses on your pants. If you're as lucky as me, anyway. #butmomsdontgetsick

Monday Funday: The Giant Race 10k!

Mondays are not generally known for being fun. I realize that. And I get that "Monday Funday" is kind of an oxymoron. But that's exactly why I'm trying to brighten up my Mondays - and yours! - by sharing something super fun and super un-Monday ;) 

Something like the Giant Race we ran this past weekend!!

This was my first 10k race, and I've been (sorta) training all summer. It was James' first 10k race, too. He's more of a cyclist than a runner, and he's spent the summer training for the Marin Century cycling race which he did a couple of weeks ago.

Finding time (and motivation) for running has been hard with the two kiddos. Early mornings before anyone else is up, naptime runs with the jogging stroller (Blech! I hate running with the stroller!), and occasional babysitting help when I could get it is how I managed. It was great while my mom was in town because that made it easy for me to slip out for a run and leave the boys with her. James is able to go for occasional runs during his lunch break at work. We rarely get to run together, but the few times we've been able to get away for a run, just the two of us, have been really nice. For the race, my cousin Pam came over very very early to stay with Calvin and Henry while we were out killin' the 10k ;)

7 AM start with our fellow runner Giants fans!

I love the Giant Race because it has the big bonus of giving us a chance to show our team spirit and hang out at AT&T Park, home of our World Champion San Francisco Giants!! And we get sweet Giants running jerseys and race swag. This year we each got a Hunter Pence Bobblehead and the race medals were in the shape of the World Series Championship rings! Some seriously sweet bling!

Anybody going for a run today? Not me!! Taking a rest day after race day for sure. 

How about upcoming races? Anybody in training for one? What race should I sign up for next??

Go Giants! And Happy Monday :)

Summer Recap and a Daily Dose of Pancakes?

Happy Back to School days to all my teacher and student friends!! The start of the school year always feels more like New Year's to me than January 1st. Probably because after many years of being a student, I went straight into teaching (and so did both my parents) so for more than two decades my life has followed the rhythm of the school year. Even though I've been out of the classroom since Calvin was born, the start of the school year still has the feeling of a new beginning, a new chapter. This year even more so because it looks like Calvin is going to be starting pre-school in a few weeks! I say "it looks like" because I am still in disbelief/denial about it, and also because the program he's entering is brand new and doesn't have a start date yet... which is only adding to my feeling of uncertainty about this whole pre-school thing :/ More on that in a later post.

We had a great summer, and I hope y'all did too! We spent the 4th of July weekend with some of James' family in South Carolina, and then my parents came to visit us here in California. We did lots of fun day trips to our favorite places around the Bay Area. James and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary, and we celebrated some family birthdays including Henry's!

On Uncle Stephan and Aunt Vanessa's boat

Calvin and Grandma Bea

A visit from Granny and Danpa! 

Celebrating our anniversary by watching our favorite team win! Go Giants!

Happy Happy Henry Day :)

Trip to the zoo with cousins. HBD Evan!

Though I didn't keep up with blogging throughout the summer, I did post some updates on Instagram and Facebook, so check those out for more summer pics!

I've been having a hard time getting back to blogging. It was like, the longer I went without posting the harder it was to figure out where to begin. But the Back to School vibes are making me feel inspired for a kind of fresh start with this blog. I started thinking about using daily blog themes to help me write more frequently. When I am only posting once or twice a week I sometimes get bogged down because I have too much stuff to catch up on, or because I feel like I don't have anything important enough to merit a precious post. I am hoping that by aiming for a quick post a day, I'll be able to keep it simple and updated with a little less pressure. In the past, I've been resistant to using daily blog themes because I thought it would feel cheesy. But if I'm really being honest, I actually really like cheesy things and I really like themes, so here we go!

Monday Funday - Why not brighten up Mondays with posts about some fun family outings and events?

Tot Play Tuesday - A chance for me to share some home play ideas for littles.

Wellness Wednesday - Quick updates about Calvin and Henry's health and therapy progress.

Thankful Thursday - Because a thankful heart is a happy heart!

Friday Favorite - I'll keep the theme pretty loose on this one. Could be any kind of favorite for any member of our family - favorite foods, songs, toys, etc.


Disclaimer: This is not a contract and is in no way a binding requirement for me to actually post every single weekday forever and ever. I do promise to try to write each day and to use these themes as inspiration. Until it starts to feel lame or I get a better idea ;)

Happy Monday! Hope it's a Monday Funday for you!

Permission to Shake it Off

Henry's second birthday is a little more than a month away. It will be here before we know it! And I've begun writing some wellness updates to share about how much he is doing and learning. I set out to write one post that would include his progress with language, motor skills, and feeding. But I quickly realized I had so much to say about it that it really needs to be a series of posts instead of one terribly long one!

How exciting that there's so much to say about Henry's progress!

As I was working on the first of these wellness updates, I felt compelled to explain that the things he is learning, although new and exciting for him, are things that typical babies learn and do much earlier. I felt compelled to remind people that all his progress is still very delayed and slow-going compared to other kids. Almost as if to say, We're so excited! But actually, let's not get too excited. Sorry.

Like Debbie Downer.

What is up with that? 

That is totally unnecessary.

Why would I want to take away from the joy of sharing how Henry has grown? Why can't I just let myself be proud of how far he has come without insisting on a disclaimer about how far he is behind the norm? Why do I feel like it's important to remind people that he's different? 

If you read this blog, you know that Henry and Calvin have developmental differences caused by their chromosomes. I don't have to say it over and over again. It is who they are and I don't have to apologize for it or feel pitiable for it or hold back from celebrating when there's something to celebrate! Even if they had the expected number of chromosomes, their journey is their own. There would still be ups and down, struggles and victories.  

I think part of it comes from a desire to be humble as I'm bragging about my kids, but in a way I feel like I'm disrespecting them if I'm saying how far they've come and how far behind they are in the same breath. They don't deserve that. They deserve praise for how hard they've worked and how much they've learned and how far they've come. With no disclaimers. And no Debbie Downer.

That guilt, that worry, that fear... whatever it is that makes me feel like I need to temper my enthusiasm about Henry or Calvin's development, or wear their "differences" like a weight around my neck... That is something I do not need. And Calvin and Henry definitely don't need me carrying that stuff around.

So I'm giving myself permission to shake it off. 

It creeps up on me. And sometimes I need a reminder that it's ok to let it go. 

Thank you, Taylor and Elsa. 

Once I get those songs out of my head, I will get back to writing those wellness updates! Because I do have happy and exciting things to share about Henry! And he deserves uninhibited celebration. 

Other parents, does this kind of thing ever get you down? Or do I sound crazy?

Well, if this resonates with you at all, I give you permission to shake it off, too. ;)

The View from Last New Year's

About a year ago, either just before or just after the first of the year, James and I went out on what must have been our first date since Henry had been born. My mom was still in town and she stayed with the babies so James and I could go out to dinner.

After dinner, as we walked the dark streets back to our car, I confessed something very sad to James.

I said, "I feel like we have nothing to look forward to this year."

 I feel like we have nothing to look forward to.


How could I say such a thing?? How could I feel such a thing??



At that time, Henry was 5 months old, which means I was 5 months postpartum. I would not doubt that I was suffering from some level of postpartum depression.

But the bigger burden I was carrying was the pain of coping with Henry's diagnosis. A diagnosis which we were keeping quiet about, at the time, except to very close family and friends. Another diagnosed genetic anomaly in our family. A diagnosis which, at that time last new years, still felt very much like an open wound.



I was grieving. Not for the beautiful baby that was Henry, but for all the things I believed that his diagnosis stole from him. And all the things I believed it stole from our family. I was filled with fear for him and for myself.

Will he ever walk? Will he ever talk? What will he understand?? 

How can I possibly care for two special needs children?

I am ashamed to admit it, but I feared that Henry would be a burden that I would never be free of.



I also felt guilty for having given birth to another genetically abnormal child. It is still very hard for me to truly believe that it wasn't my fault. I still have my doubts. Maybe if I had been healthier. Eaten more organic foods. Waited longer between pregnancies... maybe I could have spared my youngest child the challenges that lie ahead for him.


I was also angry. How could this have happened to us AGAIN?? Why us?? Why our kids?? It felt so unfair.



I had spent my pregnancy imagining all the things that would be good about having two boys so close in age. I thought our biggest challenge would be parenting such closely-spaced siblings. So the optimist in me was dreaming of all the ways it would be awesome instead of hard to have two little boys. I imagined how much fun it would be to see them running around together at the playground. I imagined that having a typically-developing brother close to his age might help Calvin with his speech development. I thought we'd be able to travel sooner, take family vacations sooner, because we'd be out of the diapers and bottles stage faster than families who wait longer to have their second children.

And when we found out about Henry's diagnosis it felt like all those dreams got ripped away. Henry would not be running around with his brother anytime soon. Henry would not be talking with Calvin or with anyone else anytime soon, if ever. We would not be out of the diapers and bottles phase anytime soon, if ever.



I had also spent my pregnancy imagining how wonderful it would be to have a typically developing baby. I dreamed of being able to breastfeed a baby, of seeing a baby hit milestones at the times that all the baby books say they are supposed to happen, of having a baby that I could fairly compare to other babies of the same age.

And I knew because of his diagnosis that with Henry, once again, none of those things would happen.




For me, the view from last New Year's was dark. I looked at the year ahead, the years ahead, and all I could see was struggle. Sadness. Loss.

I saw doctor's appointments and therapy sessions draining our energy and time. I saw myself dragging through each day, weighed down by the painful feelings I was carrying. I saw us missing out on all the things that would have been possible if we'd been a "normal" family.

I was wrong. 


And I spent all year proving myself wrong.



Somehow I pulled myself out of the despair where last New Year's found me.

I took my placenta pills and I saw an acupuncturist to help me re-balance my hormones. I went to the gym. I went to yoga. I started running. I started reading a daily (or almost daily) devotional. I wrote down my prayers. A few friends and I even formed a mama support group.

I had to take care of myself in order to be a good mama. I had to feel healthy and whole as a person, as me, in order to take on the other challenges that I felt I was facing.

The year did indeed hold many, many doctor appointments and therapy sessions, and even a surgery and a couple of hospital stays.

But I made every effort to make sure that our year was also full of days at the zoo, picnics at the park, walks in the woods, and visits to museums and aquariums. 

We even took a couple of airplane trips. To Seattle to see a friend, and then to the southeast to visit family.

We made birthdays and holidays special.

On our days at home, we did art projects and sensory play and built train tracks and blanket forts.

And Henry and Calvin grew and learned and were happy.



Calvin started talking. It's very hard to understand him, but his little brain has acquired a lot of language and he is always finding new ways to show us how smart he really is.

Calvin is also daytime potty-trained! He still wears pull-ups at naptime and night, but he wears underpants (adorable tiny Hanes boxer briefs!) during the day and he can use the potty all by himself at home, or tell us when he needs to go.

Though Henry had a rough time with health problems, we were able to help him with guidance from his doctors and with a successful surgery to clear his airway.

Henry learned to roll over. To sit up. To scoot around the room. And now he is working very hard to build up enough strength to crawl and to stand. He works so hard, my little guy.

Henry is learning to eat "real" foods. Table foods, like the rest of the family eats. Over this holiday week he has eaten scrambled eggs and green peas, a buttermilk biscuit, and even some turkey! He is also doing better with swallowing thin liquids like water or formula with less thickener. We may be able to move past bottle feeding pretty soon after all.

When I make sure our days and weeks are filled with fun things to do and interesting places to visit, it's because I want the boys to have lots of chances to see and experience and learn. But it's also because when they look back at their childhood, I don't want them to remember it as just a long string of doctor appointments. When we all look at our life as a family, I don't want it to look as bleak as I thought it would a year ago.

I needed to prove to myself that our life could still be full and rich and happy. That the babies' diagnoses did not rob us of a chance for a joyful family life. That I had no reason to be afraid.



Here on the cusp of another year, I am not afraid. I am grateful. I thank God for my beautiful babies and my beautiful family. I thank God for all the joy the past year brought and for the strength that got us through the challenges. I thank God for all our happy memories of 2014. And I thank God for the lessons I learned this past year.

Now I can see what I could not see a year ago. That no matter what hardships lie ahead, we are strong enough to do the work. And no matter what those hardships are, they are not the whole picture. We will always be able to make space for joy.

So this year, I can say that I believe we have plenty to look forward to.

More experiences to learn from. Plenty of laughter and love.


Happy New Year.

Oh My God So Tired.

I feel like this blog paints a misleading picture of what an active and energetic mom I might be.

I assure you, I am not. I am kind of lazy and I am always tired.

Monday morning, after the first weekend of our Christmas season and Christmas Countdown, I felt like I had been run over by that holiday train we went to see Sunday night. For real. My entire body ached. Do I regret our busy weekend of Christmas tree cutting, hiking with friends, and holiday train entertainment? Of course not! It was awesome and the kids loved it. (Well, Calvin loved it. Henry is less enthusiastic, but generally happy to be along for the ride.) And I loved it! I love fun and busy weekends with the fam. But Oh. My. God. So. Tired. 

I try to do lots of fun stuff with Calvin and Henry. Day trips and art projects and sensory play and all that. I'm a SAHM and they don't go to daycare or preschool, so it's on me to give them chances for different kinds of learning and experiencing, and I want our life to be more than just a string of doctor appointments and therapy visits. And I love it.

But oh my lawd it is exhausting. I cannot do everything and I do not try. So don't expect your Christmas cards early this year, friends and family. And I'm still sorry I haven't sent thank you notes for the gifts you gave my children. Ever. And don't be surprised if you come over and our sink is full of dirty dishes and our laundry basket is overflowing (because I am drowning in dishes and laundry, people. Drowning, I tell you!). Or Calvin is running around with no pants because he had a potty accident and I just didn't want to take the chance of him peeing in another pair today (drowning in laundry!).

I am definitely not Super Mom 24/7. (Arguably I am not Super Mom ever. Though I like to think we all have our super moments.)

I recently came across this post from ScaryMommy, 37 Reasons I'm Not Embracing The Moment. And when I read it, I was like, This. Is. My. Life. I mean, minus the two older kids and the breastfeeding. But still.

I really do appreciate being a mom and our family life. The big family outings, our special traditions, and many little tiny moments that happen every day. But in between those magic moments... Holy Cow I just want to veg out on the couch and play Candy Crush while binge-watching Pretty Little Liars on Netflix. Which is why I spend precious naptime doing exactly that instead of cleaning or working out or something else productive. (Did I mention I am kind of lazy?) Because those magic moments worth embracing come along with a whole lot of work and patience and dirty diapers, am I right?! 

So don't be fooled. I only post the things I think are worth sharing. Maybe you weren't fooled anyway! After all, some of you see me in real life :)

What about you? Other parents? Fess up. What would you rather be doing when you're not embracing the magic of parenthood? Is it Candy Crush?? I knew it. ;) How do you cope with the tired?

5k Mama: Giant Race

Last week was rough around here. I've been really stressed about Henry's sleep apnea and his upcoming sleep endoscopy and Calvin's upcoming hernia surgery.

Small update on Henry and the sleep apnea: We are going to try to get him seen by a specialist at the sleep clinic just to try to get more info/help, and we are also going to request that he be given a CPAP to use for now since the sleep endoscopy is several weeks away.

And about Calvin's surgery: Again, it's a really routine ventral hernia repair (it's right above his belly button). He's had a hernia repair done before, so we know how it works. It's minimally invasive. Tiny cut, tiny stitch, go home the same day, but it is done under general anesthesia. He's healthy enough to undergo the procedure, but he does have a VSD - a teeny tiny hole in the tissue between the chambers of his heart which causes him to have a heart murmur. Don't worry, the VSD isn't causing him any problems and it doesn't need to be repaired any time soon. But, there is a special team of cardio-anesthesiologists who specialize in doing anesthesia for kids with heart defects. So, because Calvin's got the VSD, we're waiting to hear back from the cardio-anesthesiologists to schedule his surgery.

So we had two medical appointments last week, and our usual four therapy appointments, though I canceled one of the therapy visits because on top of everything the boys came down with a cold. Runny noses, coughing, fever, the works. Henry's coughing was making him throw up, but luckily that only happened a couple of times.

So yeah, it was a rough week.

On Sunday, a welcome distraction came in the form of the Giant Race - a race benefitting Project Open Hand with a San Francisco Giants theme, held at Giants' stadium AT&T Park.

In June (or was it May? I think June.) I went for an outdoor run for the first time since before I had Henry and I was proud to discover that I could still run a 5k without killing myself :) I've been running once or twice a week since then and I felt like registering for a race would be a fun way to motivate me to keep it up.

Pre-race selfie in front of the stadium #superflatteringangle #tryingtoblamethecameraangle

Starting line! I'm all set with my pink headphones!

I was in the last pace group for the 5k. Which means I was in the slowest group of the shortest race that day. Which also means that I was in a group with a lot of people who were walking, not running, the race. I'm out of practice when it comes to race running, so I had forgotten about the part where you're heading out from the starting line and you've got to, like, throw some bows or something to get past all the slow people in your way so you can get some space and get your run on! Next time I gotta get there early so I can be at the front. And possibly lie about my running pace so I'm not with all the walkers!

Crossing the finish line on the field at the stadium! Can ya find me? I'm right in the middle of the pic.

I finished in 35:46, which is my usual running time for a 5k. According to my Strava app, it was a PR, but only by a few seconds :) The finish line was right there on the field, and the runners were greeted by Giants mascot Lou Seal! (Calvin kept calling him a dog!)

Sweaty selfie with Lou Seal at the finish line

James and the kids, along with my cousin Pam and her kids, were up in the stands above the finish line waiting to see me cross. So fun to see them right there when I finished the race!

My cheering section! 

The runners got to hang out on the field to rest and celebrate.

NBD. Just hanging out at AT&T park. On the field. Where the Giants play. 

 

Unfortunately my fam couldn't join me. I took a few minutes to myself to chill before joining them up in the stands.

#dontjudge #garlicfries #ballparkfood

Then I treated myself to some of AT&T park's finest cuisine. 

Calvin was pooped as we headed home.

Henry was awake, but he was tired too. They were both still a little sick.

Later, Calvin was admiring my race medal. 

C: "Dog?"
Me: "No, it's a seal. It's Lou Seal."

C: (Nods.) "Dog."

Mama is a Reader

Since the Mama Self-Care Retreat in May, one of my goals has been to read more books. I have always thought of myself as an avid reader, but I get derailed when I am busy - like when I first started teaching, when I was in graduate school, and each time I had a baby. At those times I looked back and realized it had been months since I'd actually read anything cover-to-cover.

This year I've been reading mostly parenting and self-help-y books. Not cover to cover, but sort of skimming chapters that seemed interesting or helpful. I really wanted to get back into reading novels just for enjoyment. I also wanted to let reading replace some of the other things I do to fill the tiny spaces of down time in my day (ha.) like playing Candy Crush, watching TV or browsing interweb distractions like Pinterest or Facebook. I think filling those spaces with reading will make those tiny bits of down time feel more satisfying.

So I looked through my Kindle app and found a few books that I'd either downloaded and never read or started but never finished. Over the past three weeks I've managed to read the Divergent series and the second half of And the Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini.

I like the Kindle app because it's so convenient to read on my phone. I always have my phone nearby so it's easy to read a few pages whenever I have a moment. And I like the instant gratification of being able to download new books as soon as I'm ready to start one.

So now, throughout the day, Calvin and Henry will occasionally see me reading on my phone. And it occurred to me - they can't tell I'm reading a book. For all they can tell, I might as well be texting or playing Candy Crush or watching Mickey Mouse without Calvin! The horror. 

And that bugs me. I remember seeing my parents reading all the time when I was growing up. Our house was always full of books. Shelves of books for them, shelves for me and my brother, and stacks of recently read books on end tables and the fireplace hearth. My mom took us to the library regularly and would get books for herself as well as for my brother and me. I always knew my parents were readers because I could see it every day. So it bugs me to think that Calvin doesn't know I read books for myself as well as reading books with him. I want him to know that I am a reader.

Then again, people read on phones and tablets more and more now. Calvin will grow up in a world where reading books does actually look like staring at a screen. It will be the norm for him. So maybe it doesn't matter if he sees me reading on a screen instead of ink on paper. Maybe I can just show him that there are words on the screen and not pictures or a video. And maybe that's fine. 

Or maybe I should let go of the convenience of an e-reader and go back to ink and paper books? It would feel more authentic to me - but then, I grew up in a world where that is what reading looked like. And I think I'd like to share that world of ink-and-paper books with Calvin and Henry. When they think of a book, I'd hope for them to think of bound paper and printed ink. There will be plenty of chances for them to use e-readers and become familiar with reading on a screen. And I think there are a lot of great things they can do with e-books. But for now, let's fill shelves and turn pages. Lets go to bookstores and the library. And I don't think it means I have to do anything drastic like uninstall my Kindle app - Gasp! But maybe my goal could be to consistently read ink-and-paper books, and then any e-books I read can just be a bonus :) 

I started reading this Isabel Allende novel while I was in grad school and never finished it. Time to give it another go!

E-book or paper book, I'm excited to be back in the habit of reading for enjoyment. What's on your summer reading list??

Mama Retreat and Mama's Birthday

This year, as a very big Mother's Day/birthday present, I got to go on the Mama Self-Care Retreat led by yoga teacher Jane Austin, pilates teacher Stephanie Forster, and life coach Katie Cariffe. If you are a mom in the SF Bay Area or nearby, I would totally recommend looking into this for next year. I got to spend Friday-Sunday up at Mayacamas Ranch near Calistoga doing yoga and pilates, eating delicious (and healthy!) food, and talking with other mamas. They had massage therapists available (though I didn't partake), a Tarot reader (also skipped that one), and a nutritionist, Katie Lauderback, who gave a talk (she was awesome). We also got ample time to relax by the pool. Or nap. Or nap by the pool. Super spoiled. I went with a friend and it was great to have a chance to really connect with her in addition to meeting a bunch of other moms.

View from our room

One of our yummy meals

I thought I'd share some of things I took away from the retreat... to prove I got something out of it other than a tan. ;)

From the nutritionist - I need to eat more coconut oil. Healthy fats are nourishing, especially for those of us who might be depleted of nutrients after pregnancy... or two pregnancies in my case! Coconut oil in particular is supposed to support hormone regulation.

From pilates - I need to stop clenching my butt. (Hahahaha!)

From yoga - Jane ends each class by telling us to touch our hands to our heads as a reminder of right thought, to our lips as a reminder of right speech, and to our hearts as a reminder of right intention. And she says that "right" simply means with compassion. I love that.

From the life coaching - I was nervous going into coaching. It was done whole group, all of us in a big circle. The thing is, I already do put effort into taking care of myself - I go to the gym, I get my nails done once a month, I go to a parenting support group with my girlfriends, James and I do a date night once a month, I pray, I read, I write this blog... but honestly I went in there feeling guilty about the little things. Things like letting Calvin play by himself while I sit and drink my coffee and check Facebook during Henry's morning nap. Or spending precious naptime freedom on Candy Crush and reality TV instead of cleaning. I went in there thinking that all the other moms would be these truly selfless, saintly mamas who were going to make me feel like an asshole. Of course, it's always me making myself feel like an asshole. And the other mamas were just normal parents like me, doing the best they can. So I guess my takeaway was just a reminder that I don't have to be constantly trying to do more. I'm enough. I'm doing enough. I do a lot, not everything, but my kids are happy and healthy - as healthy as can be expected. It's ok to be human-mom and not supermom. Sane human-mom is probably a lot better than crazy supermom!

I'm very grateful to James for encouraging me to go on the retreat and for taking care of the boys all weekend while I was gone. I was back for Memorial Day and we decided to spend the day out at the park. We went to two parks, actually, and then to dinner at Half Moon Bay Brewing Company (of course, because we love that place!)

Busy bag in action!

You can see how much Calvin liked his salmon. #smh

The next day was my birthday and I decided I wanted to spend it at the zoo. I love taking to the boys to the zoo. It's only about ten minutes from our house and we have a membership. We go like every other week! It's so relaxing to just walk around and enjoy the animals. Calvin loves it and gets really excited, and Henry is starting to take interest in the animals too.

That night Hartley babysat and James and I went out to dinner with a few friends. It's so nice to have an excuse to get together without all of our kids!

Creme brulee with shortbread cookies and an espresso martini! 

The retreat was great, my birthday was great, and really the rest of this week has been great too. Henry is getting to be quite a roly poly - still gotta catch him on camera! - and I'm not stressing myself out about his eating. Just feeding him when he's hungry and following all the doctors' orders, and he seems to be doing much better. Calvin had some upset moments after I was gone for the weekend, but I think that's totally normal and other than that he seems to be his usual sunny self. I had this really fun experience at the grocery store with Calvin where I started letting him help me "read" our grocery list and look for the fruits and vegetables we needed. It was also the first time he grabbed an item off the shelf and threw it into the cart! Some kind of chocolate covered crackers. He tossed in two packages of them! #nicetry. I'm feeling very well and very grateful and very sunny myself. And it's refreshing. So happy birthday to me.